Dears Sir/Madame:
Look, we’ve been saying this stuff for years. A balanced diet, substituting tofu for beef and including corn regularly, will be a complete protein, and is much more healthy. Now, with meat processing becoming more expensive and even dangerous, it is the perfect time to become sandle-wearing, long-haired, tofu eaters. I know, I don’t like these hippies either, but what can I say? For decades, they were our only advocates. Anyway I’m not bitter about you bipeds eating us. The second you turn your back, you’ll find out these horns aren’t just for decoration.
Sleep well,
Hakizimana (55215578)
Tyson Foods Feedlot
Springdale, Arkansas
Dear Madame/Sir:
Whose idea was it to let me out! Have you tried this prison penpal program? Penitentiary Playmates. It is amazing. I didn’t have this much fun on the outside! I have two fine ladies in Springfield, Illinois, one in Springfield, Missouri, one in Toledo, four in four different small towns in Texas, and one…..somewhere else, I forgot. Covid 19? I was in protective custody. I was safer inside! I’ll roll with it. I just need to get word to Sofia, Anne, Sabrina, Tabitha, Caress, Brandi, Cindie, Cyndy and Ms. What’s Her Name so that they know to send my letters here, to the YMCA.
Best to ya,
Michael Cohen
Dear Madame/Sir:
A few things that I probably should have clarified years ago. First, I will NEVER, ever wear Vickies’ or any other sexy lingerie unless it is for a shoot. Second I find orgasms to be positively revolting. Third, I fart a lot. I’m tired of all this silly attention, so people might as well know the truth.
Thanks,
Kim Kardashian
Dear Sirs:
Get me a horse, a rifle with 50 rounds of ammunition, and enough food and water for two weeks for me, this female, and our offspring. Otherwise we run around Indira Gandhi Airport, spreading the Covid-19 virus I stole from Uttar Pradesh. Yes, I’m monogamous. On this planet, it’s easy. Somehow, Nova, Caesar, and I are getting back to our planet.
This planet is a MADHOUSE.
Taylor
Bittersweet Abattoir 