Translation: “Vesuvius will not erupt! Fake news!”
Regulus, Roman town crier, 78 a.d.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir/Madam:
Ok right, a dam breaks and causes a flood. Supposedly there are some questions about the water quality in Flint. I thought that bunch of long-haired, unwashed hippies at the E.P.A. were supposed to deal with that. Look, there’s no flood, no water scandal in Flint, and no Covid-19. How can you all delude yourselves? Anyway, duty calls. I have to go polish my 60 m.m. mortar. The new legislative session starts soon.
Ben Hedges
President of Pride, Ignorance, and Guns
Ypsilanti, Michigan
Dear Madame/Sir:
What?! Pier 1 is closing?! I have to buy only three more of this darling collection of Pre-Columbian tea caddies and I’ll have the whole collection! Bad things just can’t stop happening to people like me. It reminds me of when the local premier of the 2015 Lexus SUV’s was delayed by that orphanage fire. It’s just not fair.
With Despair,
Karen
Dear Sirs:
The President is not kidding about using hydrochloroquine. One time I was with him and TS Erica Mahneater. He asked us to do a few HC’s as he called them. I’m pretty straight edge, but Erica would try anything. She popped a few, expecting to feel crazy the way Donald said he did. She said her heart pounded a little and that’s it. Her son had a cold, so she suggested instead that Donald pop another Cialis so that we could do our thing and get out of there. He never did. He never did figure out that Erica was trans either. Still, I’ll vote for him. If he could just give every American $130,000, he would win 2020 without a problem.
Living to love and loving to live,
Stormy Daniels
Bittersweet Abattoir 