–Blair “The Tooth” Richter at the Valachi hearings, 1963
!!!Exclusive interview!!!:
Bittersweet Abattoir: What can you tell us about the Covid-19 conspiracy?
TTH: I admit it. There IS a conspiracy to foist this fake disease upon you. I know, because it is my plot. I started it, and it wasn’t easy.
I first had to meet with my contacts in the medical industry. We obviously needed them on our side. Otherwise who’d be giving fake tests, processing fake insurance claims, fraudulently declaring fatalities from the “disease,” faking autopsies, giving out sugar pills, conducting false scientific studies, the list goes on. The union guys were not a problem. But those doctors. These guys can’t stop talking about their stupid oath! The infectious disease doctors were just the worst. That wuss, Fauci, kept saying, “No, there really IS a covid-19!” I told him, “Sure, college boy, just play along like we told you.” Anyway, after we got all 950,000 of them on board, we had to get the hospital directors, There were 6,146 of those shysters. They were pretty easy, though. They could see the benefits to their bottom lines. The nursing home directors, though. There were some stubborn holdouts among the 17,000 of those communist fools. We had to get a little rough with them, see. You know how it is.
“Anyway, the doctors and nursing home directors were a struggle, but the funeral home directors were as easy as Bangkok prostitutes at the end of the month. They were important, too. They’re actually the ones who came up with that whole purple toes thing. 25,000 of those swindlers, and they all came along with our liberal conspiracy without so much as a whimper.
Then there was the real struggle: getting other governments to go along. You wouldn’t think it would be so difficult to get people who speak 6,500 languages to go along with a liberal conspiracy, but I (and the Clintons, along with Biden) managed to make it happen. That is how powerful liberals truly are. We don’t win elections because we don’t need to. We control everything else.
In fact, gravity is a liberal conspiracy. People could fly without the airplane industry. But they’re paying us so we just keep supporting the theory of gravity. Oh, and acids and bases? Go ahead and mix them. Just make sure your life insurance is paid up. Um, for reasons. Computers are run by microprocessors? No, they all have brilliant, microscopic insects inside them, running them with adoring dependability. As Wonka said, “We are the music makers. We are the dreamers of the dreams.” Maybe Fox News should stream this confession. Wait. Am I confessing? Wait. Maybe Fox News is already streaming this! Hey, you, Fox! I want Billy Powell to buy up your entire nitwit, toothless network and establish a trans news hour!
Anyway, I’m going to look at the Dow. My company cold calls Christian women to see if they need abortions, promotes witchcraft, and makes PPE. I’m hoping for at least a $2 per share rise today.
-Thor Taradash Hyerdahl
Norwegian Investor/Liberal Tyrant/knows more than you do
Bittersweet Abattoir 