“I sometimes wonder about how many papers Trump copied off of other kids at school, how many tests he cheated on, how many big kids he kissed up to, how many smaller kids he bullied. Other times, the answer is clear: all of them.
Araceli Elizabeth Perez,
Winner of 2 consecutive Phineas Gage awards for political writing
Dear Madame/Sir
Are you making a joke? Why did I dump the airlines? Because President Bleach Boy couldn’t find the Oval Office couch if he was sitting on it. If you’re in a high risk business now, and I own you, I’m gone. I just hope I have enough change left over from the laundromat so I can get a lottery ticket.
Warren Buffet
Dearest Peasants,
You all are worried about the employees I fired for opening their big mouths, right?Get used to it. I have big plans for all of you. How’s this: “The United States of Amazon –One Nation, under Jeff, Indivisible, with Justice for Jeff.” The best part about it is the new Constitution. It has one line: “Jeff wants it.” I know future generations of seventh graders will thank me for making their civics classes so easy.
Kneel, vermin,
King Jeffrey Preston Bezos I
Dear Madame/Sir: I heard Putin identify himself, and then tell the scientist, “make sure intelligence gets this by tomorrow. We’ll plant this in Wuhan, and by 2021, American will be the 47th Oblast.” I heard him say this. I’m always looking over my shoulder now. I know I haven’t got much longer to live. ”
A Covid-19 Virus, speaking on the condition of anonymity
Dear Sir/Madame:
Of course there’s no way to know if Covid-19 was developed in a Wuhan lab. But hey, when the Big Man says “jump,” I jump. When he says “jump back, ” I jump back. Who cares? I need to get back to the Oval Office, though. We’ve had a Fortnight tournament for two weeks, and I’m about to wipe out that skinny runt Jared for the title of WH Champion. Wish me luck!
Mike Pompeo
Secretary of State
WH Fortnight Runner up, 2018, 2019
Bittersweet Abattoir 