“The Voice of The People can be Summarized as the Reader’s Digest Version of the TV Guide, with a jigger of Supermarket Tabloid, and two shots of Pornography.”
—Vernon Nashe McNair, 1983.
4-28-20
Dear Sir/Madame,
It took decades, but finally a U.S. President said something more stupid than my “trees cause pollution” line. I told Mommy it would happen. I’m on my way to the rumpus room to watch a Pat Boone documentary and sip a long, cool Clorox & Soda. You can’t be too careful.
Best Wishes,
Ronald Reagan
Dear Sir/Madame:
There already IS an app for tracing a pandemic infection. It’s been on every iPhone since the second generation. I just didn’t tell anybody because every soft hearted do-gooder in the world kept bugging me about employing child labor. If the spoiled runts weren’t happy with their pay they could have bought their own company. 70 years of communism sure has softened up these people.
Still looking great in a black turtleneck,
Steve Jobs
Dear Madame/Sir,
We’re so tired of hearing that us carrying around assault weapons around the Michigan capitol is a sign of white privilege. People keep asking if a mob of black people doing the same thing would have been tolerated. The point isn’t that WE are privileged. It’s that THEY are not. The Second Amendment says nothing about black guys having guns.
Won’t somebody, for once, listen to a white guy?
Ben Hedges
President of Pride, Ignorance, and Guns, Ypsilanti, Michigan
Pride Ignorance, and Guns Rally
Dear Sir/Madame,
The truth is, we actually did create Covid-19. But we only did it after the sixth time Trump called me up to ask if his shirts and underwear were clean yet. I’d always say, “No, nobody has been able to make a strong enough detergent to get them clean.” The best part is, we already have a cure for Covid-19. I’ll make sure you get it, just about the same time that Trump gets his laundry back.
No tickee, no cure, hundan (asshole),
Xi Jinping
Dear Sirs: So, the Mayo Clinic thinks that germs cause disease. Next you’re going to tell me that refrigerators keep food from spoiling, deny that homosexuality causes tornadoes and insist that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic acid instead of Deity Not Atheism. You Godless fools would believe anything that some guy in a lab coat says.
Mike Pence
Dear Sirs:
We knew Kim Jong Un would show up. We ALL eventually will. Me, Jim Morrison, and that f*cking uppity Amelia Earhart. Not Elvis. That sequined a**hole is dead. But Kim was a worry wart the whole time. “Oh, what will my Dear Servants do if their Leader is gone?” Toughen up, you bitchy little piss-pants! Tupac told me once, “Death is not the greatest loss.” Then he said something else. We were all pretty messed up. Then he said, “Never Surrender.” That guy was right. But I never thought I would meet anybody who swears more than I do. The f*ck is that about?
Jimmy Hoffa
.
Dear Sir, Madame,
Canada is giving up assault rifles. Quick! We can finally accomplish what we couldn’t in the War of 1812. We’ve got enough rifles, ammo, and beer. I hereby announce the NRA’s latest campaign: Canada will be the 51st state! Putin told me last year at a party that once that happens, the only thing he’ll have to to do is give Trump the word, and WHAM! We become Russia’s 47th oblast!
Da, Nyet, Borcht, Whatever!
Wayne LaPierre
Chief Executive
National Rifle Association
Dear Sir/Madame,
Okay, would you please take back your short haired, Birkenstock wearing women who have been bugging me? I got rid of female genital mutilation. I bravely brought Sudan into the 14th century, and I’d like a little credit. Somebody said all these protesters are lesbians. Spare me. I’ve seen lesbian porn.
Amdalla Hamdock
Prime Minister of Sudan
Bittersweet Abattoir 